Thursday, March 31, 2016

Sic

For the second time this year God has sicced his army of microscopic creations on me. Only a genius could come up with such an insidious way to torture and annihilate. Indeed how can it not be that among the best ways to destroy an enemy is to unleash a flood of invisible self-replicating mercenaries upon them? So much to learn about the art of war from this sadistic, bloodthirsty deity.

Hail

Superman could've saved the girl who ended up being beheaded by a lunatic. But he didn't.. And no, Superman wasn't somewhere else foiling a bank heist, being tortured with a lump of kryptonite by some nemesis of his, or helping his favored football team half a world away win a match. He was right there between the girl and the cleaver-wielding man. So what did he do? As the knife came down he moved aside to let the blade slice off her head.

His ways are mysterious; his plans for the planet inscrutable. All we can do is praise the all-good, all-loving, all-powerful invisible savior. Heil, mein F├╝hrer!

Monday, February 1, 2016

Home

God addressing his angels:

Look how rebellious these children of mine have become. I call them home but time and again they scream NO! I get them run over by a drunk trucker and they thank the paramedics and doctors for saving them and patching them up. I ingeniously came up with all sorts of microscopic minions to hasten their return to paradise and what do they do? They decimate them with antibio-antiviro-what-have-you. Eons ago I so cunningly inserted bugs into their code so they'll develop this and that fatal disease and what happens? They're now fiddling with MY code and are on the verge of being able to rid their program of those bugs! And what happens after they miraculously save themselves They shout hallelujah and go on a mocking spree by endlessly messaging me with thank you notes! WTF! I'm trying my damn best to snuff them out, not extend their stay! ARRGGHHHH! <the almighty gnashes his perfect pearly white teeth and bangs his injure-proof head on his desk a zillion times causing thunderclaps to echo throughout heaven>

So my dear angels this is a plea for help. I'm quickly running out of options. As it stands today, tsunamis, Richter 10 earthquakes, ISIS attacks and sheer old age are the only means I've been left with to get these prodigal progeny of mine home. Brainstorm! But let's be smart here. Don't just come up with new nukes. Target the root cause. Find ways to annihilate that mother of all evil they've developed. Come up with ways to get rid of that abominable thing they call science. Its obliteration is my only hope of getting my beloved (oh dear I'm going to regret saying that) creation home.