Monday, February 1, 2016


God addressing his angels:

Look how rebellious these children of mine have become. I call them home but time and again they scream NO! I get them run over by a drunk trucker and they thank the paramedics and doctors for saving them and patching them up. I ingeniously came up with all sorts of microscopic minions to hasten their return to paradise and what do they do? They decimate them with antibio-antiviro-what-have-you. Eons ago I so cunningly inserted bugs into their code so they'll develop this and that fatal disease and what happens? They're now fiddling with MY code and are on the verge of being able to rid their program of those bugs! And what happens after they miraculously save themselves They shout hallelujah and go on a mocking spree by endlessly messaging me with thank you notes! WTF! I'm trying my damn best to snuff them out, not extend their stay! ARRGGHHHH! <the almighty gnashes his perfect pearly white teeth and bangs his injure-proof head on his desk a zillion times causing thunderclaps to echo throughout heaven>

So my dear angels this is a plea for help. I'm quickly running out of options. As it stands today, tsunamis, Richter 10 earthquakes, ISIS attacks and sheer old age are the only means I've been left with to get these prodigal progeny of mine home. Brainstorm! But let's be smart here. Don't just come up with new nukes. Target the root cause. Find ways to annihilate that mother of all evil they've developed. Come up with ways to get rid of that abominable thing they call science. Its obliteration is my only hope of getting my beloved (oh dear I'm going to regret saying that) creation home.